Monday, 18 August 2014

Mommy Monster / Round 1

To my future self.
(or my future self in 5 minutes)


Hey Mama.

Yeah, I see you over there.

Biting your nails. Clinching your jaw. Eyes closed. Rubbing your temples. Trying to take deep, calming breaths. Most likely with a pounding headache.. I see you desperately searching for some sort of escape or relief from all this built up tension, and anger rampaging throughout your body, before it ends in a raging fit of tears, screams, and uncontrolled gasps of air. Maybe, a foot stomp in there somewhere. Hmmm.. that might just be me? Right before she rears her ugly, haggard face back to strike, and all hell breaks loose.

Never do we take pride in those moments. But I'm here to tell you that those feelings you are having will pass. You are okay. You are not broken. You are not alone in this world. Don't forget that. Ever.

Do you remember what it was like when you first held him? The serenity of it all just washing over you. The feeling of the first time he latched on, and the overwhelming love you felt toward this sweet, innocent creature. The feeling of him grabbing your fingers. The smell of his newborn freshness. Just the all encompassing love that was filling you to capacity, and you didn't think you'd be able to handle it anymore.. But then he'd open his eyes, and look at you. Remember, when he started to really recognize you? He knew that you were his. He knew that you loved him. He knew that you were his mama. Remember, when you would just lay in bed with him all day, just staring at him, nursing, without a care in the world? Remember, his first smile? Or when he didn't really know how to sneeze in those first few weeks, and he would make the cutest sound ever? Remember, when he first learned to sit up on his own? Remember his first real laugh? Remember those first steps tentative that your breath away? Remember when he first said "mama"?

Well, keep remembering these.
Hold them tight.
Wrap them up in a pretty little ball of lace,
and tuck them in your pocket.
Because you're gonna need it.

When he is throwing himself on the floor in a fit of rage with tears streaming down his face, and a cry that could wake the dead, because he can't throw the remote at your kneecaps anymore. When he has just smacked you upside the head with his truck because you took away that marker. When he bit you because he got overly filled with emotions. When he is rolling, bashing, slashing, screaming away to get out of a diaper change. When he has attempted to escape your clutches by jumping out of the cart in the middle of Target because you didn't open that box of "fishies" fast enough, and are now getting weird looks from non-parent's because "you didn't pay for that yet"... Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

But before you hit that breaking point, take a deep breath, and remember that he is innocent. You may feel alienated from him... a lot. He may feel like a stranger at times. Or like he is a spawn of a nether creature.. But he isn't. He is yours. Your perfect little 18 month old who waves his arms so fast, with his giant toothy grin while shrieking whenever he sees an animal within 30 feet. Who wants every single one of his stuffies inside his crib right when he wakes up, so he can lay there for 20 minutes talking to each of them. Who loves giving open mouth kisses. Who attempts to share his paci, and blankie with strangers who he deems worthy. Who can chuck a softball, one handed, clear across the yard. Who whenever sees a delicious snack, exclaims "TREAT?" in the cutest little voice. Who loves to snuggle up to you when watching his favorite movie. Who hides whatever he can find in the bed of his truck. Who is completely fearless.

He. Is. YOURS. 

He needs your love. Your guidance. Your support. & never ending compassion, and patience. He's had barely over a year to come to grips with his emotions. You've had 22 years to perfect yours. You both are learning, and growing together. Love him fully, and relentlessly. And please, spare yourself the guilt for forgetting it. You get enough of it from your own mother. (Just kidding mom... kinda ;) We all have those moments. And regardless of them, our kiddos still think we're pretty freaking cool / because we are.

xoxo/
The Now-Tamed Mommy Monster

Saturday, 9 August 2014

To The Boy Who Was Framed.

I don't know about you, but I have these moments where I literally can't stop myself from complaining, or whining. I feel like I've reverted to my 4 year old self throwing a tantrum, and holding my breath till I get what I want (cause I did that). My inner self is stomping her foot, and pouting in a corner feeling like no one cares about her, and her problems should be EVERYONE'S problems. Why doesn't anyone care? Why can't anyone see what I'm going through? Blah, blah, blah.. Am I right? I go through these "moments" a few times every few months. I'm a complainer. I like Keagan knowing when I'm cold, or hungry. Like I'm not a semi-grown woman who can't pull the blanket over herself, or go make a sammich by myself.   
#thestruggleisreal

But what started my recent down spiral into Kayla's World, was when I dropped my phone in my Ichiban (It's the better version of Top Ramen for my American homies). I was an idiot. I was Facetiming my Mom, and had strategically placed my phone in the little indent of our cupboards where she and I could see each other perfectly while I mixed up the food. Keagan has scolded me several times not to do this because "it could land in water" or "it will crack the screen" if it falls. Well, my inner self knows better, and KNOWS that I have the quicker draw. AND there ain't no way I will let that happen. So me and my "know it all" self continue on our way to making lunch for the screaming kid, and talking to my Mom about said screaming kid. Then out of no where, an out of control monster truck slams into my knee. I yelp, and hit the cupboard for support, and... PLOP. "Idiot" is what I hear in my head. I reach into the scalding, fresh off the stove, pot and grab my phone in utter desperation, as I hear my Mom's gurgled laugh in the background. She knew. I cried inside, and kicked myself. WHY?

As I dried it off, and threw it into the half cup of rice we had left, I devised a plan. Keagan could NEVER know what actually happened. Fool would never let me live it down. I looked at Ren, and his innocent face. He didn't know what just happened. He just wanted to share his monster truck with my knee. What did he know? Except that Mom was upset about something, and all he wanted was food.. Perfect. He has been known to hide our phones, or try to go "swimming" with them, so, why not? I proceeded to tell everyone that he had casually dropped my beautiful iPhone 5 in a half full glass of water, and I asked, what do I do? Looking back on it, had I said it wasn't actually water, but water filled with delicious noodles, and a beef seasoning packet, it might have given me more options. Water is so much simpler to clean up. Water filled with beef seasoning.. Not so much.

I left it in the rice for about 4 hours. Seemed like a reasonable amount of time. Turned it on, and the speakers were working again! Word. So I called my best friend Tayler, and chatted for a bit. I told her the real story. She's a good secret keeper, but she said that I am the worst, and will eventually break and tell Keagan. I know, I know. But for now...

Then my phone was almost out of juice, pun not intended, and I plugged it in, and got...
"This device does not recognized this.." 
Whaaaa? I unplugged it. Re-plugged it back in. Same thing.
Well, hell. So, my phone died, and wouldn't charge. At all. FREAK. I get on my computer, and write hastily to Keagan telling him what happened. He says the normal stuff, "you shouldn't of turned it back on" / "put it back in the rice".. Okay, fine.

We leave it there for a few days. We had his best friend over visiting us, and they both confirmed that I will need my charging port replaced. Crap.. Then I finally break. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I say to Keagan casually, "Soo... do you want to know the real story of what happened?"
He looks at me, with that look. "I knew it. Yes, Kayla. What happened?"
Okay, first off, "you knew"? I covered my tracks perfectly. Boy you didn't know nothin'. Then I proceeded to tell him, but not before saying to him,
"DON'T say "I told you so", okay? Because I already know. Just listen."
Not even before I got through the..
"Well, I was FaceTiming my Mom, and put it on the cupboards..",  he quickly shouted, "I TOLD YOU SO."
Of course. And he did.

With that I have been pouting. Pouting about my stupid mistake. Pouting because I have to use my ancient HTC phone for all of my music, Instagraming, Facebooking, etc.. Pouting because I want to take good pictures again. It sucks. But its a trivial thing to be so grumpy about. I'm more bummed because I see Ren doing all of these cute things, and I want to document them. Guess this is a first hand lesson in enjoying the moments, and living in them.

What have I learned from this?
1. Be quicker on the draw
2. Never place any form of liquids under my electronic devices
3. Pick a better fall guy, and never admit to anything

So, here is to my poor innocent phone, and the boy who was framed. Now, I will start learning to live without being so attached to one device, and be more attached to my own living creation.



Sunday, 27 July 2014

Where The H Have Yah Been?

Word. I am officially the champ at ignoring my blog for the last few.. Freak has it really been months? I could use the excuse of having an over active one year old, who rarely lets me get anything done. But that would be kinda lame. Honestly, I don't really know why. Maybe, I just needed a beat? Or I just needed to focus on other things. Who really knows. But here I am back in the pilot seat, so let's do dis thang. 

Adventures have been having like crazy in this household. First our vacation to Waterton, plus my little side trip to Raymond with Ren by myself (which was so much fun, and draining all at the same time). Then we had a weekend long softball tournament. Then I got super sick, while Ren's molars were poppin' out. Faaaantastic. Since then it's been pool, sleep, eat, read, splash park, library, and watch TV. Typical summer get up. 

Rogue had her kittens. 5 (3 girls / 2 boys) beautiful lil buggers. {Doticus, Rome (Romulus), Titus, Remus, & Precious} They're pretty rad. I like em. Ren likes them more. We keep them safely tucked away in our room, and whenever I accidentally leave the door open when he's awake, he creeps in there to see them. But always gives himself away when he started cooing, and "ooh" & "ahh" at them. It's adorable. Even with that cuteness though, I am quite excited for them to vacate, and go to their new homes! I will tear up. I've grown attached to them. But it will be awesome to not be attacked early in the morning by little nails of death wanting to play with my fingers, toes, hair, face.. 

Anyways, the little terror is yelling, rather screeching for me. So I'll leave you with these // 


Teaching Titus to escape. He's a pretty good teacher. 

Rome. She's quite darling. 

Walking to the pool with Great Grams. ❤️







Thursday, 29 May 2014

Currently.



reading.
A Titan's Curse by Rick Riordan to Keagan


excited.
/ about getting my library card, finally
/ summer


obsessed.
with these videos - they are AMAZING

loving.
/ this weather. It's laying on a blanket in the grass season
/ the springish summer rain. The grass is becoming greener, and the flowers are getting brighter
/ Renner being able to walk, and becoming more independent
/ mornings
/ being able to finally walk to the library

eating.
Rollo McFlurry
It's my new addiction - where have they been hiding?!


feeling.
/ inspired
/ loved
/ appreciated 


watching.
House / Season 5 - I have never seen the last 3 seasons, eeeek


planning.
garage selling, and Farmers Market hunts this weekend


anticipating. 
/ the birth of Rogue's kittens
(should be in a couple weeks!)
/ the opening of the splash parks
/ going on a date with this hot guy I know


learning.
/ that I can't control everything, nor how people feel
/ to let go
/ to be happy


wearing.
my favorite shirt I have ever owned from Forever 21
& yoga/legging pants from Pink


craving.
Frozen Green Tea from Tim Hortons




grateful.
/ the little things
/ shoulder & neck massages
/ rain
/ flowers
/ clean sheets
/ flats & flip flops


(trying to) 
become better at.
/ designing
/ scripture study
/ being more loving when I am feeling stressed

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Moments.


Waiting for the rain to stop, and watching Keagan's softball practice.
 
 
 
He LOVES his Auntie Alyssa.
Beautiful bird nest.

Our fave Missionaries!
For Memorial Day / This was taken at my Dad's funeral. He was buried at the Missoula Veteran's Cemetary.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Real Talk / A Look Behind The Glass

I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never like the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, is Keagan.


This post, is dedicated to being vulnerable. I'm not one to talk about my own personal issues, like this, for public views. But I do know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, and reading their stories, makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully. 
So, here's to that little piece of me, given to you. 



I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I've had Endo since high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 7 surgeries I've had. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. They aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 10 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat. 

There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. I can't hold Renner some days, or for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to stay home from work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers {Motherhood alone is isolating.} Everyone in our home suffers.

But with all of these trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in this home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out, because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub...



There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function, sucks. But besides all of the negatives that are happening, there are so many positives to be joyous about.  Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind {although, some days I wonder..}. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count.
There isn't much I can do to have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over simple, but important things that truly make the difference in my life.

I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But Marjorie Hinckley, {which for all those who don't know her, you should read about, and her books / life changer that woman,  and her amazing husband were.} said the best quote* that is always flooding through my mind, 

And how true that is. Some days it is hard, and I am not exactly an awesome role model at reminding myself this when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks". 

It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had, maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. (Well, they obviously were wrong. Very, very wrong.) I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac. I've had plenty of doctors make me cry (which is a hard thing to do), or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related". Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor. And she will always be my doctor, and deliver my babies. (She delivered Renner.) 

I remember the first time I saw her. I was 5 months pregnant, and I was doing dishes late that night (it was like 10/11), and I had some blood pour out of me. It wasn't major, but the pain that came after dropped me to my knees. We immediately went to the hospital, and she was the first doctor I had seen since getting pregnant. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that she will be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was outstanding. Finally, someone understood, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father answered our prayers.

Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts. 

Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others. 

I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family. 

I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child. 

I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.

I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.

I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer. 

I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me. 


Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with a lot of it has helped me morph into a better person. It has made me become humble, childlike, loving.. I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.


"We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old...We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth."

- Marjorie Pay Hinckley




*Quote designs like these are made by me. If you want to use these images please ask, or link back to me. Thank you! :)

Monday, 12 May 2014

Magic of Moms.

Motherhood ; The highest and most holiest calling.  



Being a mom is terrifying. It's hard, painful, and rewarding; exciting, gross {at times}, and sticky; exhausting, stressful, and wonderful.  But most of all, it's beautiful

I woke up at 3 this morning with thoughts bursting around my mind. At a few failed attempts to go back to sleep, I got up and decided to watch an episode, or four, of House (my favee). 6 AM rolled around, and I still wasn't tired. I heard Renner start to stir. {When he usually wakes up this early we give him a bottle of milk, and he goes back to sleep - monnayyy, what whaat.} Then I decided to go back to bed before Keagan had to get up for work in a half an hour to get some extra snuggles in.

As I laid there I kept thinking about what it was like before we had Renner. Being "newly" married was so much fun. We could hop in the car at anytime we wanted, and head to the gas station for some late night treats. Or go on a spontaneous trip to some crazy place, and not have to worry about packing a bunch of stuff. Just grab what we needed, then bounce.

Life was so much simpler then. We didn't over think everything. We never had to worry about "baby proofing". It didn't matter if we left our Dr. Pepper cans on our coffee table, or food (well, actually anything for that matter). But it was missing something.

It was missing the food on the ground. The midnight dashes in desperation hoping to find any open gas station, close to our house, to get a jug of milk. The christened 3 P's {pee, poo, puke} on every piece of furniture. The never ending squeal and laughter ringing through out our halls. The sense of love, and the Spirit so strongly felt. The crumbs all over our feet from his "cook cook's". The pots, pans, and tupperware spewed all over our kitchen. The little finger prints that cake our TV, and can't bare to wash off because we know one day they won't be there. The open mouth kisses. The playing chase around the house, and having him laugh hysterically. We were missing, him.

Sometimes, as mom's, we don't feel adequate, and equipped enough to handle certain situations that are placed in front of us. I know I do. I am terrified most of the time. But whenever I feel doubt, I kneel down, and I pray for strength. Almost immediately, I feel relief. I feel uplifted.


Having this little person always counting on you.
Always.. wanting and needing your attention, and for you to hold them.
Needing every spare second you have to throw a ball, back and forth.
Watching them take their first tentative steps toward you. 
Having you sit in their room for half an hour, so they can show you
every single toy they have for the millionth time. 
Saying their first words. 

It's beautiful.


I am humbled, everyday. I am reminded that I am not here on this Earth for myself. I'm here to help grow, and strengthen my family. Being a mother has pushed me to look deep within myself, and find out who I truly am.

Renner, has rocked my view of the world. I never would have guessed that I would become a mom at 21. {Seriously, I would of laughed in your face if you told me that I would be a couple years ago.} It was an amazing surprise when we found out. 2 weeks prior I found out my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after that, but he went knowing that his baby girl was going to be baring a new life. I knew with a surety that Heavenly Father wouldn't take my Dad, without giving me a boy in return. I just, knew. Now, along with some awesome traits of his, he also carries my dad's middle name. 
{Renner Duane Paisley}

Every day there is a new found struggle in my days as a mom. But everyday is there is also magic to be found.

I am blessed to have a mom that shows me unconditional love, and support. She is my best friend, and my hero. I wouldn't be here without her. (Literally) She answers all of my frantic phone calls when I think Ren might be dying, and she always lovingly tells me, he will be fine. I am proud to say that some of her eccentric, and sometimes frazzled, personality is rubbing off on me. She is my number 1. 
I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, who raised Keagan to be such an amazing man. Who shared with him the Gospel. And showed him all the beautiful in this life, even with all the horrors he faced as a youth. 
I am blessed to have the 2 most amazing sisters in my life; that always acted like they were my mom ;) 



I am grateful for all of the women in my life, and those around me.

Now, I don't know if my body will be able to handle another pregnancy. We will try. But if it was only meant to be for one, I will gladly accept that. Heavenly Father allowed me to experience this beautiful moment. I have learned more about life, and love in the past 14 months, than in my entire 22 years on this Earth.

I am so proud, and honored to be able to have the title, Mom.

Happy Mothers Day, to all of you beautiful ladies. 






#itwasmom

Friday, 25 April 2014

No-Bake Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies.

Renner's favorite word is..
"Cook Cook"
It mean's / cookie.
{But truthfully, it's just an arrowroot biscuit.} 

Who doesn't love cookie?
I have been obsessed with No-Bakes.
Chocolate.. Oatmeal.. No baking involved..
It's a girl favorite treat.
Well, at least mine.

This is my all time favorite, go to recipe, when I am craving something
delicious, sweet, and chocolatey.



No-Bake Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies.

1/2 Cup  /  Butter 
(you can use coconut oil. i've done it before.)

2 Cups  /  Sugar

1/2 Cup  /  Milk

1 1/2 Cup  /  Chocolate Chips

1/2 Cup  /  Peanut Butter

3 1/2 Cup  /  Quick Cooking Oats

 2 tsp.  /  Vanilla

Directions /
1. Add the first 4 ingredients in a sauce pan.

2. Bring to rolling boil, and boil for 1 minute.

3. Stir in last 3 ingredients. 
(make sure peanut butter is melted)

4. Put wax paper/foil on cookie sheet, and drop spoon fulls on the sheet.

5. You can either put the the cookie sheet in freezer for 10 minutes, 
or just let sit out until it is cool.

6. EAT.












This recipe was found in my old, old Young Women's cook book.
It's one of my absolute favorites.
I just changed a couple of the ingredients.
Like chocolate chips, instead of cocoa.
And the coconut oil, instead of butter.

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