Thursday, 29 May 2014

Currently.



reading.
A Titan's Curse by Rick Riordan to Keagan


excited.
/ about getting my library card, finally
/ summer


obsessed.
with these videos - they are AMAZING

loving.
/ this weather. It's laying on a blanket in the grass season
/ the springish summer rain. The grass is becoming greener, and the flowers are getting brighter
/ Renner being able to walk, and becoming more independent
/ mornings
/ being able to finally walk to the library

eating.
Rollo McFlurry
It's my new addiction - where have they been hiding?!


feeling.
/ inspired
/ loved
/ appreciated 


watching.
House / Season 5 - I have never seen the last 3 seasons, eeeek


planning.
garage selling, and Farmers Market hunts this weekend


anticipating. 
/ the birth of Rogue's kittens
(should be in a couple weeks!)
/ the opening of the splash parks
/ going on a date with this hot guy I know


learning.
/ that I can't control everything, nor how people feel
/ to let go
/ to be happy


wearing.
my favorite shirt I have ever owned from Forever 21
& yoga/legging pants from Pink


craving.
Frozen Green Tea from Tim Hortons




grateful.
/ the little things
/ shoulder & neck massages
/ rain
/ flowers
/ clean sheets
/ flats & flip flops


(trying to) 
become better at.
/ designing
/ scripture study
/ being more loving when I am feeling stressed

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Moments.


Waiting for the rain to stop, and watching Keagan's softball practice.
 
 
 
He LOVES his Auntie Alyssa.
Beautiful bird nest.

Our fave Missionaries!
For Memorial Day / This was taken at my Dad's funeral. He was buried at the Missoula Veteran's Cemetary.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Real Talk / A Look Behind The Glass

I've always struggled with being vulnerable. I have never like the feelings it brings when I give someone a piece of me that is so delicate, that one wrong move could literally break me. It terrifies me. The only person I have truly been able to be vulnerable with, beside my family, is Keagan.


This post, is dedicated to being vulnerable. I'm not one to talk about my own personal issues, like this, for public views. But I do know there are women out there, like me, who suffer through the same thing I am, and reading their stories, makes me feel uplifted, and hopefully. 
So, here's to that little piece of me, given to you. 



I have Stage IV Endometriosis, and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome {PCS}, along with Graves Disease (but that's a different story entirely). I've had Endo since high school, and as far as the PCS, who truly knows. I doubt doctors really even looked for it in the 7 surgeries I've had. Luckily, my amazing doctor, who delivered Renner, did. They aren't life threatening. But can be horrifically damaging to your uterus, and surrounding parts. They are both extremely painful. In my case, the majority of pain is always on my right side. Has been since I got my period at 10 years old. Some days, I truly would give my right arm to go through labor, on repeat. 

There are days where I literally just can't get out of bed. I can't hold Renner some days, or for long periods of time; even having him sit on my lap at times is unbearable. I can't stand up in shower, some days. I have to sit on our bathroom sink to do my makeup. Keagan has to stay home from work for the third day in a row to help me; or will receive a stressful phone call in the middle of his busy day to come home, because I can't pick Ren up out of his crib. Our love life is complicated. Making dinners is sometimes far, and few between. The house is messy. Our room is in constant disarray with laundry. Every step I take on a walk is like a knife churning inside, and sending shock waves down my legs, and around my lower back. My body suffers from not being able to work out. My mind suffers {Motherhood alone is isolating.} Everyone in our home suffers.

But with all of these trials, never once has Keagan made me feel like inadequate wife, or mother, and has never made me feel unloved. And trust me I've felt like it plenty of times. I can't always protect my mind from unwanted thoughts. There have been many breakdowns in this home. I am definitely not the easiest patient, I'll admit. When I'm feeling insecure, I lash out, because I don't feel safe inside my own body. I know that he would like to come home to a home cooked meal, and clean house every night. I know that I would love my house to stay organized for more than a day. I would love to be able to bathe Ren every night without struggling to bend over the bathtub...



There are so many things I would love to be able to do, but can't. And some days, it weighs on me, and is hard to accept it. Having to rely on pain medicine to help me function, sucks. But besides all of the negatives that are happening, there are so many positives to be joyous about.  Like, that we were able to have Renner in the first place. And, although it is painful, I still have the ability to walk. I have my mind {although, some days I wonder..}. I have my faith. I have the unconditional love and support from my husband, Heavenly Father, and family. I have been blessed in more way than I can count.
There isn't much I can do to have complete control over this trial, but I do have control over simple, but important things that truly make the difference in my life.

I have my faith. I have my accountability. I have charity in my heart. I have the ability see, and feel the beautiful things around me. Are there days where my overthinking, and pain get the best of me? Absolutely. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But Marjorie Hinckley, {which for all those who don't know her, you should read about, and her books / life changer that woman,  and her amazing husband were.} said the best quote* that is always flooding through my mind, 

And how true that is. Some days it is hard, and I am not exactly an awesome role model at reminding myself this when I'm curled in a ball writhing in pain on the kitchen floor, with my face laying next to the crumbs from Ren's "cook cooks". 

It pushes me to my limits, and at times makes me break. But that's why we call these things, trials. They are meant to push, and test us. I was told in the summer of 2011, that I had, maybe a year left to get pregnant, because of how badly damaged my uterus was from endometrial scarring. And in 2012, I had an ER doctor tell me this straight to my face after hours of agonizing pain, and a questionable miscarriage, "I don't care if it's a cyst, endometriosis, or whatever - You. Will. Not. Get. Pregnant." And with that she threw up the peace sign, and walked out. (Well, they obviously were wrong. Very, very wrong.) I've had so many doctors thinking I only wanted the drugs, or that I was a hypochondriac. I've had plenty of doctors make me cry (which is a hard thing to do), or made me see the hospital psych because they thought my pain was "emotional related". Sometimes, people can't understand, or empathize the pain you're going through because they can't see it. I've had only 1 doctor in my entire life, actually sit me down, and showed me nothing but love, and understanding. She never once made me feel crazy, or like I was some pill popping fiend. And I gotta say, it was probably the best feeling in the world to just be validated, and heard by a doctor. And she will always be my doctor, and deliver my babies. (She delivered Renner.) 

I remember the first time I saw her. I was 5 months pregnant, and I was doing dishes late that night (it was like 10/11), and I had some blood pour out of me. It wasn't major, but the pain that came after dropped me to my knees. We immediately went to the hospital, and she was the first doctor I had seen since getting pregnant. I told her my entire past, and she sat with me, and held my hand as I cried through the pain. She looked at me, and told me that she will be my doctor for now on, and that she will be delivering my baby. The relief we felt was outstanding. Finally, someone understood, and was hearing us out. Heavenly Father answered our prayers.

Heavenly Father has been my light through all of this. He has answered many of my prayers. He helps me through the worst of my pain, and sometimes takes it away for brief moments. He is there for me, in a way that most can't be. Being vulnerable is a hard thing for me to do, but He knows me, and my heart. He sees the parts of me that I can't explain in words, or even thoughts. 

Through these trials I have become more grateful, more loving, compassionate, and understanding toward others. 

I am grateful for Him, and his unfailing grace surrounding me, and my family. 

I am grateful that even through all of this I was able to carry, and bare a healthy child. 

I am grateful for Keagan, and the love and support he surrounds me with. He has never belittled my pain, or my thoughts. Never casted me aside, or deemed me damaged. He has always been by my side, and has never let me feel less than. His love, and faith gives me more than enough strength.

I am grateful for the tiny fingers that move the hair out of my face so he can see me, and give me a big smile, and giggle. That right there will make any heart skip a beat, and find pure bliss in.

I am grateful to have a Mom, and had Dad who were so determined, and strong willed to never let the doctors, when I was younger, and now, to brush me aside, and call my pain a sign of depression, or made up. They never once doubted me, and never took no for an answer. 

I am grateful for my entire league of a family. My blood, In-Laws, and the friends who are my family. Whose never ending love, compassion, meals on "those" nights, phone calls, watching Ren for a few hours, driving me to hospitals, giving me countless of boosts and inspirational talks and snuggles, help at church, bath mixtures made, slushies brought to me, and countless of other things, have all made the difference in my life, and has made it so beyond wonderful. You all are rockstars to me. 


Vulnerability comes in all different ways. Mine is sharing my pains, letting people see it, and asking for help. Coming to terms with a lot of it has helped me morph into a better person. It has made me become humble, childlike, loving.. I hope that by sharing this piece with you, that it will help those who struggle to come to terms of their own vulnerabilities, and will give you the strength to express it.


"We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old...We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth."

- Marjorie Pay Hinckley




*Quote designs like these are made by me. If you want to use these images please ask, or link back to me. Thank you! :)

Monday, 12 May 2014

Magic of Moms.

Motherhood ; The highest and most holiest calling.  



Being a mom is terrifying. It's hard, painful, and rewarding; exciting, gross {at times}, and sticky; exhausting, stressful, and wonderful.  But most of all, it's beautiful

I woke up at 3 this morning with thoughts bursting around my mind. At a few failed attempts to go back to sleep, I got up and decided to watch an episode, or four, of House (my favee). 6 AM rolled around, and I still wasn't tired. I heard Renner start to stir. {When he usually wakes up this early we give him a bottle of milk, and he goes back to sleep - monnayyy, what whaat.} Then I decided to go back to bed before Keagan had to get up for work in a half an hour to get some extra snuggles in.

As I laid there I kept thinking about what it was like before we had Renner. Being "newly" married was so much fun. We could hop in the car at anytime we wanted, and head to the gas station for some late night treats. Or go on a spontaneous trip to some crazy place, and not have to worry about packing a bunch of stuff. Just grab what we needed, then bounce.

Life was so much simpler then. We didn't over think everything. We never had to worry about "baby proofing". It didn't matter if we left our Dr. Pepper cans on our coffee table, or food (well, actually anything for that matter). But it was missing something.

It was missing the food on the ground. The midnight dashes in desperation hoping to find any open gas station, close to our house, to get a jug of milk. The christened 3 P's {pee, poo, puke} on every piece of furniture. The never ending squeal and laughter ringing through out our halls. The sense of love, and the Spirit so strongly felt. The crumbs all over our feet from his "cook cook's". The pots, pans, and tupperware spewed all over our kitchen. The little finger prints that cake our TV, and can't bare to wash off because we know one day they won't be there. The open mouth kisses. The playing chase around the house, and having him laugh hysterically. We were missing, him.

Sometimes, as mom's, we don't feel adequate, and equipped enough to handle certain situations that are placed in front of us. I know I do. I am terrified most of the time. But whenever I feel doubt, I kneel down, and I pray for strength. Almost immediately, I feel relief. I feel uplifted.


Having this little person always counting on you.
Always.. wanting and needing your attention, and for you to hold them.
Needing every spare second you have to throw a ball, back and forth.
Watching them take their first tentative steps toward you. 
Having you sit in their room for half an hour, so they can show you
every single toy they have for the millionth time. 
Saying their first words. 

It's beautiful.


I am humbled, everyday. I am reminded that I am not here on this Earth for myself. I'm here to help grow, and strengthen my family. Being a mother has pushed me to look deep within myself, and find out who I truly am.

Renner, has rocked my view of the world. I never would have guessed that I would become a mom at 21. {Seriously, I would of laughed in your face if you told me that I would be a couple years ago.} It was an amazing surprise when we found out. 2 weeks prior I found out my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after that, but he went knowing that his baby girl was going to be baring a new life. I knew with a surety that Heavenly Father wouldn't take my Dad, without giving me a boy in return. I just, knew. Now, along with some awesome traits of his, he also carries my dad's middle name. 
{Renner Duane Paisley}

Every day there is a new found struggle in my days as a mom. But everyday is there is also magic to be found.

I am blessed to have a mom that shows me unconditional love, and support. She is my best friend, and my hero. I wouldn't be here without her. (Literally) She answers all of my frantic phone calls when I think Ren might be dying, and she always lovingly tells me, he will be fine. I am proud to say that some of her eccentric, and sometimes frazzled, personality is rubbing off on me. She is my number 1. 
I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, who raised Keagan to be such an amazing man. Who shared with him the Gospel. And showed him all the beautiful in this life, even with all the horrors he faced as a youth. 
I am blessed to have the 2 most amazing sisters in my life; that always acted like they were my mom ;) 



I am grateful for all of the women in my life, and those around me.

Now, I don't know if my body will be able to handle another pregnancy. We will try. But if it was only meant to be for one, I will gladly accept that. Heavenly Father allowed me to experience this beautiful moment. I have learned more about life, and love in the past 14 months, than in my entire 22 years on this Earth.

I am so proud, and honored to be able to have the title, Mom.

Happy Mothers Day, to all of you beautiful ladies. 






#itwasmom

Friday, 25 April 2014

No-Bake Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies.

Renner's favorite word is..
"Cook Cook"
It mean's / cookie.
{But truthfully, it's just an arrowroot biscuit.} 

Who doesn't love cookie?
I have been obsessed with No-Bakes.
Chocolate.. Oatmeal.. No baking involved..
It's a girl favorite treat.
Well, at least mine.

This is my all time favorite, go to recipe, when I am craving something
delicious, sweet, and chocolatey.



No-Bake Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies.

1/2 Cup  /  Butter 
(you can use coconut oil. i've done it before.)

2 Cups  /  Sugar

1/2 Cup  /  Milk

1 1/2 Cup  /  Chocolate Chips

1/2 Cup  /  Peanut Butter

3 1/2 Cup  /  Quick Cooking Oats

 2 tsp.  /  Vanilla

Directions /
1. Add the first 4 ingredients in a sauce pan.

2. Bring to rolling boil, and boil for 1 minute.

3. Stir in last 3 ingredients. 
(make sure peanut butter is melted)

4. Put wax paper/foil on cookie sheet, and drop spoon fulls on the sheet.

5. You can either put the the cookie sheet in freezer for 10 minutes, 
or just let sit out until it is cool.

6. EAT.












This recipe was found in my old, old Young Women's cook book.
It's one of my absolute favorites.
I just changed a couple of the ingredients.
Like chocolate chips, instead of cocoa.
And the coconut oil, instead of butter.

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Amazing Friend & Some Photos.

My amazing friend, Alyssa, did a photo shoot of Ren & me a few weeks ago. It was such a fun, and special time with me and my cute boy, just laying on our bed laughing, and just being real. He loves when I hold him up in the air, and when we are just snuggling.  

{If you look closely you can see a kiss on his cheek from my lipstick.} 
 I love candid photos like these, and Alyssa knows exactly what she is doing. 
This girl has some straight raw talent that she was blessed with. There are so many photographers in the world today, but not all of them can capture moments like these, and know the exact time to push the trigger, so your clients have that precious moment frozen forever. You have to feel the moment, and be in it with the person (people) you are trying to capture.
Her blog & website are /




 
  





"...and she loved a little boy very, very much --
                                          even more than she loved
                                                                                        herself."
- "The Giving Tree"




A Few Reasons.

 10 reasons why we hate Renner having a cast.
(Besides the obvious of him having a broken arm, I mean.)

1. He smashes everything with it. Not like an ordinary smash because he finds the noise appealing, although that is half the reason. I envision more of him using his Hulk voice yelling, "SMASH", while he beats things on repeat. / Like my or Keagan's face, Roxy's poor head, the sliding glass door, our TV, his wall next to his crib (when he wants up..), or really any surface that he can reach.

2. That sucker friggin' HURTS.

3. He has become faster. More agile. Probably from watching a lot of Turbo.

4. He acts like he is invincible - an unstoppable force. Like he is a freshly made man-droid on a mission.



5. None of his jammie onesie's with the long sleeves fit! Countless times I've contemplating just cutting off that specific arm sleeve so it fits him properly because they are too tight, or the material just sticks to the cast and won't go up.

6. When he gets really mad he bashes my face with it. (See number one.) 

7. It still hurts him, and he's teething. It's been a fun couple weeks for the little guy. So he's been struggling with sleep. Thank you ibuprofen. 

8. It is a horrible experience trying to get him to take a bath. Because we have to wrap it in a trash/grocery bag, and he screams when we do that. Pretty sure he will be traumatized until it gets taken off. But even the bag does keep the dang thing dry!



9. Because he won't let me hold that arm down, or even touch it, he won't let me clip his finger nails. They are Edward Scissor-hands long. / I've tried going in there when he is sleeping, but he always wakes up. Fail. 

10. He gets food on it. Constantly. 



Even though this thing is annoying for all of us, he still looks pretty dang cute in it.
Somethings I love about it though..

1. He's walking more and more.

2. He can reach the doorknobs, and is figuring out how to open them. But he can't get a full grasp because of his cast. It's too early for that anyways! 

Yeah, that's about it. Babies are so strong, and resilient. Beast status. 
1 week down / 2 more to go. 


Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Broken.


Renner was being abnormally grumpy yesterday. He had been refusing to take his morning naps, since our ER trip, and didn't take one that morning. He wouldn't eat. And cried whenever I left him alone. 

I was completely out of Advil. So, Keagan was going to pick some up on his way home from work. 
{He had the 6-3 shift. My favorite.} 
The dishes badly needed to be done, but he wouldn't let me put him down long enough so I could put them away. So I left them alone.  

We went into his room and I read to him while he sat in my lap and played with a few toys. This went on for about half an hour. It was almost noon, and he was acting super sleepy. While he was distracted by some toys, I took that chance to sneak out, and go make him a bottle. 

Yeaahh, that didn't work out to well. He immediately burst into tears. So while singing to him from the kitchen, while trying to make a bottle, and spilling milk all over the counter in the process, I left the milk open on the counter.. My bad.
I ran in his room, swooped him up, gave him his bottle, and laid him down. He went down rather easy because he was exhausted. 

It was 11:45AM. 

I tip toed out into the living room, and flopped on the couch. {The milk still sitting on our counter, open and exposed.} I started reading Divergent on my phone for a bit, but then I am overcome with exhaustion. I laid my phone down on the couch beside me, curl up with a blanket, and slowly drift to sleep. 

I woke up a few minutes later from my phone dinging. I had a missed call, and had a voicemail. 
..debt collectors again - was my inital thought. 
I dialed my voicemail, and sat back; Preparing myself for another "urgent business matter". But that's not what I got. 

It was the nice triage doc that treated Ren in the ER last Thursday. He said it is "very important" that I call him back as Renner's arm is broken, and if it's still bothering him we need to cast it. 

I truly believe something inside of me broke in that instant. Alarms went off inside my head, and I started shaking.

I called him back immediately, and as soon as I heard his voice.. Well, it felt like someone injected me with a hot dose of rage. Here was a man who had promised us profusely that his arm was not broken. That he just sprained it, and he will be fine. Yet here he is calling me 5 days later, saying he actually has a prominent fracture. I repeated back to him, "Prominent fracture?"  He spoke kindly to me. Sensing the obvious distress in my voice. He apologized for the radiologist not getting back to him sooner. He asked if Renner's arm was still bothering him. I said angrily, "He hasn't been sleeping since we came home from the ER." 

He told me to come back to the Emergency Department, and when we got there to have the nurses call him. "I'll get it casted, and we will leave it on for 2-3 weeks. But make sure they let me know you're here so you aren't waiting here forever." (Which we did tell the nurses. And still waited there forever. Go figure.) Then we hung up. 

I sat there for a few minutes by myself, in thought. Then I shouted, "I KNEW IT!"  I called Keagan. He didn't answer. So I sent him a text. Next, I called my mom. Which just involved more shouting of "I knew it", over & over. 

I was completely baffled, and stunned as to why it took almost a week. I terrified myself with the anger I was dishing out, but I couldn't control it either. Here was my precious one year old baby, crawling around on a broken arm. 
In pain. Telling me in the only way he knew how that he was in pain, and hated his life. 
And I just couldn't understand him. 

Rage. Guilt ridden. Sickened. And so beyond sad, were the only emotions I could muster. 
Keagan finally answered his phone. 

I shout, "He has a freaking broken arm!"
(Again, my favorite word)

"What?

"Renner. He has a broken arm. The doctor just freaking called me, and "apologized" that he didn't back to me sooner. I'm so beyond livid.
(Like he couldn't tell by my voice.) 

He calmed me down. Said he will be home by 3, and we will take him in after that. I had told him that I told the doctor that we will be there by 3:30, and to try to be home as fast as he could so we are there by then. (We had our missionaries coming over that afternoon/evening.) While pacing the house, I finally noticed the milk out, and put it away. / I was definitely winning the Mom Award, fo sho.

Ren slept from 11:45 till 2:30. I was impressed, and so relieved that he finally slept. He woke up pretty happy, and was very snuggly and loving. I rocked him, and got him some food to eat. As long as he was on my lap, he ate.

Keagan didn't get home till 3:40. Which was a bummer because we didn't get to the hospital till 4. It was packed. But luckily we didn't have to wait that long in the waiting room. We did however, have to wait in the hallway for an hour because the doctor, who walked by us multiple times, didn't recognize us. Finally, after a nurse said something to him, he did. 

Now I will say this / For every single parents who has ever had a baby break a limb, and had to get it cast, You. Are. A. Champion. It was so awful. Pinning Renner down so she could wrap his arm up. He thrashed, and screamed the whole 15 minutes. When it was finished I just held, and sang to him. We were so happy to leave, and to just be down with the hospital for a while.

The doctor didn't even talk to us, which upset me. A lot. I plan on going back, and going straight to Medical Records to get what exactly the radiologist said in his report, and get the x-ray of his arm. If anything, but for peace of mind.

Renner is much happier with it on. He is able to crawl around better, and you can tell he's feeling better. 


I can't help feeling a twinge of guilt when I see it on him though. But that comes with the gig of being a mom. We all feel guilty with things that happen beyond our control, especially when these things happen to our babies. But I have given all of my frustration, and guilt to Heavenly Father. When those feelings of rage started to die, I immediately knelt in prayer for forgiveness, strength, and comfort. I had such a feeling of peace afterwards. He is with us all the time, and that brings me comfort in general.

So for now, I will be giving extra snuggles to the cutest boy with a broken arm.

{ Our missionaries tatted up his cast. #staythug }

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